Should We Have a Third or Fourth Child?

In today’s world, where birth rates are dropping almost everywhere, families raising four children are a rare sight. Many people ask me, out of curiosity, why we had our third and fourth children a full decade apart — was it planned, or an accident? My answer is: "During our family’s Family Time, we held a family meeting and prayed together to decide whether God would bless us with a third child. As for our fourth, that one was actually decided by a vote." People always react with surprise when they hear that.

Paired Up, Two by Two

Some people envy our family, saying two daughters and two sons make a perfect score. Friends who visit often tell us, "Your home just has this feel to it — it really feels like a family." The decision to have a third child was something our two daughters had hoped for every Christmas since kindergarten, and after four or five years of praying about it, he was treasured and adored all the more once he arrived — the girls were always racing each other to take care of their little brother. Later, whenever we sang hymns at family gatherings, our third child, still just a baby, would bob his head along to the rhythm, and once he was a bit older he’d pick up a tambourine and shake it, thoroughly enjoying himself (no wonder now, as a teenager, he loves drumming — he only has to hear a bit of a melody and he can pick up the beat right away; his teacher says his sense of rhythm is excellent).

When our eldest was in fifth grade, she and her sister brought it up at a family gathering — they wanted a fourth child, because they loved their little brother so much and thought he was just adorable. We even talked about whether we should simply adopt instead. I asked them, isn’t taking care of a baby pretty much like playing with your dolls, not all that different? They answered, "When you tease him, he laughs, he cries, he plays right along with you — he interacts with you, he responds. Of course that’s way more fun!"

After a lively discussion and prayer during Family Time, everyone voted, and it was unanimous: Mom should have a fourth baby. The two girls said all Mom had to do was have the baby — they’d take care of raising him. My husband and I were already past forty, and we hoped to have our fourth child within two years so he could keep his older brother company, keep our third child from being spoiled as the baby of the family, and help him grow. Someone once warned me — if they’re both boys, they might not "keep each other company" so much as fight! The girls said, "In our family everyone’s paired up two by two — Dad and Mom, the two of us sisters — of course our little brother needs a partner too, so the two of them can go share the gospel together one day."

One Song for Each of Us

The two girls would wash their little brother’s hair, bathe him, change his diapers, fix him snacks, and play hide-and-seek with him — total super-nannies! Serving their little brother taught them to love serving others too, and they helped shoulder a lot of the housework for me, doing it all so happily that I never felt the burden at all.

From a baby conceived and carried in the womb, to a nursing infant, to a toddler, the two sisters walked alongside their little brother through every stage — and in doing so, watched their own growth unfold too. Whenever they spoke from the heart about their gratitude to us as parents, and to our Father in heaven, it was always the greatest comfort to us — because it showed they understood how to be considerate of their parents’ hearts, just as they were learning to be considerate of our heavenly Father’s heart.

During one particular Family Time, we worked together to find the most fitting, representative hymn for each family member. My English name, for instance, is Joyce, so I chose "The Joy of the Lord Is My Strength." My husband’s English name is Simon, so he chose "He Is Lord," representing how Simon Peter in the New Testament followed the Lord Jesus, coming to know God step by step and experiencing a transformed life. Our eldest, Tian-Ci, whose English name is Grace, chose "Amazing Grace." Our second, Tian-Hui, whose English name is Melody, chose "Making Melody in Your Heart." Our third, Tian-En, happened to have a hymn called "The Song Given by Heaven" that suited him perfectly as his own song. During Family Time, our whole family learned to sing each person’s song by heart and understand the meaning of the lyrics, coming to know God through these hymns — and whenever we traveled, we’d always find a chance to sing them together. During Family Time we often prayed together as we waited for our fourth child to be born, and together chose his name, Tian-Xin, meaning "the Father’s heart’s desire," with the English name David, hoping he would grow to be a man after God’s own heart. We even chose his song before he was born — "When the Spirit of the Lord Comes in My Heart."

The two girls pointed out that everyone in our family has the character for "heart" (心) in their Chinese name — Ci, Hui, En, Xin — because our family is strung together, heart to heart!

Be Fruitful and Multiply

Back then, some people assumed I must have taken some special class to decide to have so many children; others asked whether, since quite a few in our church had already had a third child, I’d encourage others to go for a fourth; still others wondered whether it was because both sets of grandparents had left us a sizable inheritance that gave us the confidence to have a fourth.

In truth, my husband and I come from completely different family backgrounds. I grew up in a Christian family, the sixth of nine siblings, so I was already used to a lively, crowded house. My husband, on the other hand, was an only child raised by a single mother; his mother died of cancer while he was in university, and with no siblings to keep him company, he often felt alone. So we both simply love children, and God’s grace in giving us four of them filled us with overflowing joy.

As our eldest daughter once wrote in a children’s poem in second grade: "Daddy’s love is like the bright sun, warming my heart. Mommy’s love is like a loving embrace, touching my heart. God’s love is like the shining moon, purifying my heart. How good it is to grow up in a family full of love — not only do I get to enjoy a father’s love and a mother’s love, but I also get to enjoy the love of our Father in heaven." In just a few short lines, she captured the deep meaning and lasting influence of the Christian faith in our family.

In a society full of confused values and rampant materialism, how important it is to raise up a godly generation and learn to live simply! I don’t insist that everyone follow the same path I have, because God has a different blueprint for each person, and He leads each family differently. I’m simply in awe of what He has done in ours. Five years after our two daughters were born, I was in a serious car accident and came out without a scratch — I knew then that God had preserved my life for a purpose. Five years after that, He blessed us with two sons.

One Surprise After Another

Along life’s journey, I’ve often been struck by how limited I am, and how limitless God is. Whenever I face a new test in life, I think of the verse: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." Learning to depend on God and seeing His wondrous works leaves me in awe — I get to experience, again and again, the joy of breaking free from the cocoon and growing.

People often ask me, doesn’t it wear you out, raising four kids? My husband likes to say, "We’re busy every single day, but it’s a joyful kind of busy — the house is full of children’s laughter, our home never sleeps, it’s always lively." I love watching each child’s unique character unfold, accompanying them as they grow in true love and truth, because in God’s eyes, every single one of them is special.

Keeping a young heart, discovering something new every day — that’s what fuels me in raising my children. For instance, when our third child was nursing, I discovered he had to swallow at least 170 times in a single feeding to be full, and watching him nurse, sweating and utterly content, I finally understood that a mother’s milk actually tastes different from feeding to feeding depending on what she’s eaten — no wonder breast milk tastes better than cow’s milk.

I’ve learned to listen to my children’s thoughts and feelings, and raising them often stirs up fond memories of my own happy childhood. "Home," that nest of love, is built up bit by bit through the participation of every single family member. And all of it can be reflected on and shared in our lively, creative weekly Family Time, becoming treasured pieces in the museum of our family’s memories.

1. Bring up, during Family Time, an issue that concerns everyone in the family, and let each person fully express their own feelings and thoughts.

2. Have everyone name how the issue might affect each family member, write it down, prepare your hearts, and commit to working together in cooperation.

3. Pray together wholeheartedly about the goal you’ve discussed, and leave the outcome in God’s hands.